How Not to Please People

I ran across an article by Eric Hamm called “Is People Pleasing Keeping You From Pleasing The Right People?”  Very interesting read to say the least.  Being I am an ENFP on the Myers Briggs Scale I have a tendency to want to please people (or as I think of it…”help people”)…that is unless you’re in the small group of individuals that no one would ever want to be a friend of…which there are still some of those folks out there!

I’ve heard it mentioned before, but it was interesting to see it in print again…Hamm says that in the long run, by trying to be a “people pleaser” we’re essentially not pleasing anyone at all.

Tired from the burnout that comes from the over extension of ourselves and frustrated by the fact that we keep letting others take advantage of us, we quickly become ineffective in helping others and often times end up resenting everyone around us.

The article shares some practical ideas and tips to break free from the concern of people pleasing.  I’ve outlined each with just a line or two but would encourage you to visit the article for maximum benefit! After you’ve had a chance to read through, I’d be interested in getting your feedback as well…

1. Find a greater fear: What is people pleasing keeping you from doing or being?  Figure this out and then use that knowledge to find a stronger source of fear to feed on.
2. Stop saying yes until you can accurately separate the real need from the non-essential: After years of putting our YES reaction on autopilot, we may find it hard to determine the validity of the incoming requests.  The only way I know to bring this barometer back to a balanced state is to go through a time of constant No’s.  After a while it will become more clear when you are turning down a non-essential request and when a real need is not being addressed.
   
3. Let go of your need to control: Believe it or not, one of the strong characteristics of a people pleaser is the need to control EVERYTHING.  If anything, our pleasing ways are nothing more than a subtle manipulation to retain control of the situation.  We are trying to control what others think of us and how they act toward us.  This leads us to feel that we are also responsible for every need that comes our way.  So let go of this idea that you can/will/should take on the troubles of the world and let go of this control that you think you have.
4. Stop placing your peace of mind in the hands of others: I love it when I get in a flow of positive productivity.  I’m knocking out task after task and I feel like I can take on anything.  Then, all of a sudden, I have a conflict with another.  Maybe they sent me a nasty email or maybe it was a phone call, but somehow I was given notice that they were not pleased with me.  Why am I placing my own peace of mind and future progress, in the hands of someone who may have just been having a bad day?  This has got to stop and I/you are the only ones who can make this happen!
   
5. Fill your desire to please with healthy opportunities to help others: One of the wonderful characteristics of the people pleaser is their honest desire to help others.  The problem is that when we are ‘practicing people pleasers’ we are unhealthily distributing our assistance. Instead of this madness, try to proactively address the needs that you see as necessary.  Enjoy these moments and let them feed on your desire to help.  Over time, this desire to care for another will be less out of control and you will find it MUCH easier to say no when no is the necessary word.
6. Once again, PROACTIVE assistance: I just mentioned the word proactive in the previous tip.  This is CRUCIAL!  As people pleasers, we are so overwhelmed as we take on every request of assistance that comes our way, that we have no time or energy to address the issues that WE see as fit for our attention.  What we are essentially doing is assuming that everyone else’s idea of our time well spent is more accurate that our own.  We need to figure out for ourselves what needs we should be addressing and then go out and address them.  Stop waiting for the world to dictate your attention and start attending to the needs you were meant to address.

I’m nowhere near where I should be on the scale of not pleasing everyone I run in to, and not saying “yes!” to every coffee, lunch, opportunity or activity that I’ve been to attend…however…

As we’re nearing the end of 2009, I’m already making some major revamps in my scheduling and commitments and will continue to do so moving into 2010.  So what are your thoughts?  What things will you do differently today to help yourself?